Martin Seligman is a huge positive psychology guru and I was first introduced to his work when his book “Flourish” appeared on the reading list for my coach training. Again he appeared when a friend was studying the impact of optimism in project management. It is certainly fair to say that he has some pretty interesting and useful things to say. So, at the chance of meeting him, I jumped. OK, so it was online, and there were a few thousand others with us, but hey, I saw him, “drank tea with him”, and heard his new puppy dog!
I have summarised the key points I picked up and they largely fall into these categories:
Research and musings (a great deal explored the current pandemic too)
Questions to ponder
Hints, tips, models and exercises for people not feeling so great and those that feel they have no hope
This session aired during the COVID19 pandemic, a time when we all really needed to have some belief that we have a future too.
Research and musings:
Research from Sheldon Cohen suggested that, in a pandemic, the biggest predictor of how an individual will experience an illness is their feelings e.g. those who generally feel happy or cheery (e.g. smiling), and who have lots of fun, will experience colds less severely. He also measured optimism. Whilst it wasn’t a predictor for how we might experience colds, it did show that people who are optimistic come out and recover faster (e.g. wounds).
Furthermore, research shows that when recovering from a wound, healing is faster in those with a higher well-being. They also take less medication after surgery. I looked into this a little more, and found a few more things. Did you know, for example, that there’s even a thing called “PJ Syndrome”? This covers the situation where those that stay in their PJs in hospital, do less, than those that get dressed. Stands to reason therefore, that they would take longer to heal too. For a bit more depth on this, take a look at the research showing the detrimental effect of psychological stress on wound healing – that’s pretty scary.
So what is a higher well-being? Seligman describes some people as being sun spots, full of energy, good cheer, optimism.
The model that he developed is called PERMA. It represents the following (see image for further details) – Positive emotion, Engagement, Relations, Meaning, Accomplishments. PERMA brings better health and resilience not only to you, but to those you care for and having a belief that you can change important events in your life (agency and efficacy) relate to progress (how well we do in our day to day life). You can even take a “test” on his site to see how “PERMA” you are.
What is so difficult about thinking positively? Martin explained that we have an ice-age mentality. That is, we are wired for catastrophisation e.g. “famine is coming”. It works well when we might get attacked by a bear, but not so much for day to day “threatening” emails or even flourishing situations. An example; when was the last time you woke to a glorious day and said “great, every day will be like this from now on…”?
Many people ask Martin, “What is the best route to a meaningful life?” and he shared his clear answer; helping other people. And his advice for someone who is depressed is to ask themselves “What is one thing you can do for someone else?”. He also discussed “What is the difference between realistic and outright optimism?” . Instead of answering, he demonstrated it using a technique people could apply:
Visualise your route to success on a particular project or situation
When is pessimism appropriate? (by the way, my friend found in project management, that this was in estimating project costs, so as not to underestimate right at the start and run out of budget later)
What are the consequences?
What is the cost of failure? E.g. if you are going to the pub without a mask right now (in the middle of the COVID19 pandemic), the cost of failure is high, maybe catastrophic, so a pessimistic view is useful here…
Questions to ponder:
What sort of person do I want to be?
What is the best part of myself that can show up today? Richard Layard, founder of Action for Happiness was in conversation with Martin and recommended that we connect with the best and deepest part of yourself (resolve the fear!), find your “god” within (NOTE: all types of “god” are available, interpret this as you wish!).
What HAS the pandemic brought us?
There is nothing like coming face to face with death (the pandemic) to focus the mind. It draws us to ask “What do we really care about?” Richard Layard posed a suggestion – Imagine if the happiness of people was a government objective? The closest I think I have seen to this is when New Zealand announced a budget for well-being.
Things have been done that we never imagined possible (Nightingale hospital in London, numerous other NHS projects have been fast-tracked), so what else is possible now?
ADVICE & TECHNIQUES:
He shared some advice and techniques based on questions raised in the Q&A:
An exercise to put things in perspective:
Think of a situation that you are concerned about.
1. Conjure up in your mind, the very WORST thoughts, what is the absolute worst that could happen?
2. What is the best possible outcome?
3. What is the most realistic?
What is the best way to help people who are really struggling to find ANY hope or joy right now?
Ask the person, “before the pandemic, what gave you the most joy?”. Support them to generate a list of as many ideas as possible, right to the smallest thing, like enjoying your favourite tea. Sometimes it’s gone without us even tasting it.
Then ask them, from the list, “What can you do now? Who could you help?”
How can I help family and friends? Invariably, people have worries about what they see or hear in the media. My favourite personal phrase is that “worry is a mis-use of the imagination”! One thing that can help these situations is to counter the worst news they are imagining, with as accurate view as possible of reality. Here is where the perspective exercise can be useful. Share it with them, and explore the options together.
How can we work with Learned Helplessness? (this is where a person has experienced a stressful situation repeatedly. They come to believe that they are unable to control or change the situation)To answer this question, Seligman neatly pulled together most of the earlier content. He talked about “fighting our way out” (if you check the definition of fight it makes sense; overcome, eliminate or prevent). We can get back in control by building PERMA. We can get closer to reality by doing the perspective exercise as well as find things you love and DOING THEM (or more of them!).
I hope you have found this as insightful and thought provoking as I did. I think my three key take outs are:
SMILE and choose how you show up
Be more PERMA
Do more of what you LOVE
The positive effect of the simplest thing as a smile will have far reaching beneficial impacts. So, what will you do TODAY that puts a smile on your face?
The session was recorded, so you can fill in the blanks by watching on YouTube, and of course share further with those that you think might benefit.
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
On my misty, drizzly walk to the beach this morning, I reflected on the stark difference from only 5 days ago. Bournemouth hit the news for its swarms of people, piled on top of each other, with the associated illegal parking and anti-social behaviour, not to mention the 33 tonnes of rubbish left behind (on ONE of the days).
Today the very same stretch of coast was bereft of humans, empty car parks, no litter or views to be seen.
Yet the sea, the sand, the fresh air are all still there.
Views of beauty simply hidden under the fog. Any people I did see, scurried along, hunched over with scrunched up faces, avoiding the rain.
We shelter from the fog and complain of the rain.
The similarities struck me. How we feel and treat ourselves, when “under the weather” or suffering from a little “brain fog” seems the same. What has always been there; our skills, abilities, motivations and self-belief seem to disappear under those “weather” pressures.
Sheela Hobden
What if we could still see behind or above the fog on those days?
What if we could see a way through the drizzle and hold our heads high?
Going outside in such weather conditions is a physical reminder of what we have and honestly, there is not better way to feel alive than to be in nature and really FEEL it.
An outdoor exercise instructor once said “your skin is waterproof” and it really stuck in my head. It use it to get me outside!
I started musing again, and wondering, how can we “lift the fog on the brain” and experience the current truths and realities when things do “grey over”, so here are a few quick tips I came up with:
Try this super short meditation on “feeling alive”. I ALWAYS with a virtual trip to a Cumbrian Mountain, in a snowy blizzard, slicing into my face, you might find another lively space
Brain fog often puts us into “fight or flight” when “rest & digest” is where clarity lies, so use breathing to send physiological messages to the body to calm, with this 7/11 technique
Visualise sun beaming onto your face, soak it up, imagine it feels warm, and ask, what would be different now?
Write down all the things that feel like fog. Examine them. Are they just drizzle? Or heavy rain? Let the drizzle float away, and collect the heavy rain in a bucket – plan a suitable time to deal with it, rather than drown in it now!
Literally take yourself outside. Go for a walk. Choose something to focus on e.g. what flowers can I see? Suddenly you see all the flowers, it’s amazing what appears with some focus. Switching tasks not only gives your brain a rest, but it helps practice focus, which can be used when you get back to your tasks. Subconsciously, your brain will be sifting an prioritising too, so things may feel lighter on your return.
I hope these are useful ideas to give the brain a rest from the fog!
What other tips work for you, that you could you add to the list for yourself?
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
As if a blog post could be about the word “should”!?
Take a moment to think though.
How many “should”s do you put pressure on yourself with on a daily basis?
To what extent do they weigh on your mind?
How often do you ignore them?
What is the result of doing, or not doing them?
What is the impact on you, or others?
And finally, where do they actually come from anyway?
Firstly, what inspired this post?
I set myself a target of writing a post to my website once a month. Until now, I think there have only been a couple of occasions where I hadn’t found a juicy topic I felt compelled to write about. It got to the end of the month, I cobbled something together and posted, proud of the date stamp it afforded me, but maybe not so proud of the content!
In conversation with a friend i heard the “should” word! “I really should go and write this months blog post, its nearly the end of May, but I can’t think of a topic…”. She asked “why don’t you write about that, the sense of need to do it?”.
Mulling it over, I thought actually, it is quite topical right now, so this month, inspired that conversation, I am writing about “should”. There are a lot of “should”s floating around right now actually (NOTE – this is written during the 2020 COVID19 lockdown!), here are some I know of :
I should…
be able to home school my children (whilst setting up the iPad for them)
learn a language, become an expert baker or have a Chelsea Flower show worthy garden (furloughed people!), but then turn the page in your book. (I’m not even furloughed but got the Babbel app to learn Spanish, pulled along with the tide – but will admit to doing nothing with it!).
get fit or train for a 5k (whilst lounging around)
eat healthily (whilst munching on the home-made bread you’ve been experimenting with)
slow down and appreciate things more (like “others” are saying)
I could go on, I am sure where are many more.
What are some of yours? Where do they come from?
The question to be explored is; “should” according to who?
Social media? Do we feel we “should” do what everyone else is posting about too?
Future you? “I should go for a walk”, because future me knows that I will feel better afterwards
Parents? I really should call my parents
Society?It’s the way we do things, so I should too?
Our own beliefs? We all have our own set of beliefs collected through our lives, which rarely get challenged, yet some, could be untrue.
Is it really any of these things?
What would “they” say if you chose NOT to do the thing you feel you “SHOULD” do?
How much does the answer bother you?
What it feels like…
Having reflected on this a little whilst writing this post I realised that there is a heaviness about feeling I “should” do something. On asking a couple of people what it really means, a definitive answer wasn’t forthcoming. I landed on “something you know is going to be worth it in the end, but there in that moment, you don’t feel like doing it“.
Depending on the task, once we do get on and complete it, there can be a sense of achievement, whilst equally we can feel deflated at the loss of time and effort.
What does it feel like to you?
Let’s look at what the dictionary says…to put a stake in the ground:
“indicate obligation, duty or correctness, typically when criticising someones actions” or “to indicate what is probable”.
Dictionary definition of “should”
The line “when criticising someones actions” is interesting. It definitely has a critical tone, as well as a sense of resentment towards the task in hand. In the case that started this post, I think I fit into the “duty and correctness” category. The belief I hold is that my website will look correct if there is a post every month, thus bringing a sense of duty to those that follow the blog. A “belief” behind that being that I thought regular updates were “expected”.
There wasn’t time to test out the truth of that, although now, as a “reader”, maybe you could confirm what the truth is?
Another element; “indicating what is probable” is intriguing too. In this way, are we using it as a procrastinators tool e.g. I really should go for a run? Right now, we don’t feel like it, but it is probable that it will happen later, so a way to put things off for a while!
Why would we want to do something about it?
The sense of resentment I mentioned earlier could be the key here. Take something you feel you “should do”, and maybe know you will have to at some point, but don’t really feel like maybe? Do you find you get tangled up in putting it off, even though you know you will do it later? OR, something we feel pressure to do, we can end up frittering a chunk of time in playing the pro’s and cons of it, when deep down we know the answer?
Both can consume a lot of brain space (which to note, could be used on other things we WANT to think about!). Again, I don’t know about you, but the should can be accompanied by a series of thoughts around “how can I get out of, or, around this?”, again, a lot of effort and thinking time, if we end up doing it anyway?!
What can we do about it? – 5 steps to try
Cut into whether the “should” is:
an obligation (I committed to doing this)
a duty (it is my responsibility)
a correctness (a fact or truth)
a probability (it is likely to happen)
Once you have defined the category, then ask, is this true?
Not sure how to decide if something is true or not? Use your personal values, does it meet them? or ask does it fit in with my overall purpose? (Not clear on these? – get in touch, I can share some free tools to help, then of course there is coaching!)
Research what it means if it is true or false, and whether you will or won’t do it (if you won’t, go directly to step 5!) Otherwise, move to the next step.
Want to make it happen?
What do you need to do to make it happen?
What help do you need for it?
How much time do you need?
What is the best time to do it?
When will you do it?
Now you have a decision and or, a plan, set that brain space free for the things you WANT to do
What’s the science behind this?
Our need for a Sense of control .Having the sense that we have personal control over situations has strong research backing its usefulness as a resilient tool which, when exercised has a positive impact on our well-being. So, taking charge of what we are choosing to do, is a perfect example of this in application
Values – having a sense of purpose or direction is another resilient tool, backed up with evidence of its impact on well-being. If we operate through a set of values that we believe to be important, we can live our lives in accordance with them, and thus feel we are meeting our own personal goals in life.
The sense of achievement linked to that is another measure of well-being.
“Should” is a word I often challenge people on when they come to coaching, and through exploring where the “should” has come from can open up a whole conversation around beliefs and assumptions. It enables people to raise their self-awareness on what they really want to do.
I hope this article has helped you remove a few “should” from your day and switch to “I will” or “I won’t” and be happy with your stance.
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
Sleep is one of the most fundamental factors in our sense of well-being. This article explores why as well as sharing tips to improve how you get yours.
There are endless “how to” posts across all social media channels. Washing hands and social distancing are of course essential (although I would love to see more about the “why”, to help people understand the reasons). It is fact that those things are clear prevention tools we all have at our disposal. Then there are follow ups such as “how to work from home”, “how to stay motivated”, “how to keep calm”. What I felt was missing, was something about how we are actually feeling in the midst of all of this, and more importantly, why. The posts flooding out fall more into the advice category. When looking at how we humans need to look after ourselves, and establishing how to do it, the best solutions come from exploration of why we do the things we do, and more importantly, how we might do them differently…in our own way, that we choose, that we have confidence will fit into our world.
Same boat? or storm?
So, instead of offering a post on “how to” do self-care. I wanted to explore why we feel the way we do right now and normalise that. “It is OK, to not feel OK”! I will also share some questions to help you figure out what to do, along with a couple of free tools I found that could be useful to you.
Many people feel they are in the “same boat” . We might be having different challenges, but underneath it all, our feelings are linked to the needs we have, and how we react to certain situations. We think we are the only ones that feel this way, so we keep quiet, when actually the value is in opening up and in talking to people. So maybe its more like we are all in the same storm, with different boats to navigate it!
I started talking to people about how I felt, and said out loud, what I was worried about . Labelling the ACTUALFEAR (I realise maybe this is fear as well as frustration) brings it out into the open, making it more visible and then we can think rationally about it (or them!). Once labelled, we can unpick it, play it out and explore the detail of our concerns. Something lifts, and we are able to see and think clearly again. I want to share, from what I know, why it is OK to feel a bit strange right now, so people can ease up on the stress and pressure they feel under.
I have a couple of pieces of research that are part of the foundations of my work in resilience and wellbeing, so I have interpreted the models in line with the current situation. I believe they offer us an explanation, and I hope that as you are reading this it will help make sense for how you are experiencing this new reality we are living in. And it is a new reality for all of us.
Oxytocin releases when mother bonds with baby!
Firstly, I wanted to touch on the importance of social interaction (it underpins both models). So important is it, that the brain treats lack of it in the same panic we have when threatened with a lack of food or water (Liebermann). We go into survival mode as the fight or flight mechanism is activated from the amygdala. This give us the reason for why it’s so hard for social distancing to take place. We are wired to need that social interaction. It also shines light on why its SO important to heed the advice to stay home now, so that we are not isolated for longer than we need to be. I’m writing from the UK and we’re seeing the implications playing out already in Italy and Spain . I am very concerned for the effect on our mental health that will inevitably hit us further down the line. We are very lucky in this world to have the technology to stay connected, even if not face to face, so the best thing we can do is keep connected (virtually), and educate those that struggle to use technology, so they don’t lose out here. Bringing it back to basics, when was the last time you simply picked up the phone and called someone? Most people can use a phone!
The Human Givens Institute calls out nine emotional needs and I think all them come into play now, as do the components of David Rock’s SCARF model (neuroscience of the brain when change happens), and elements of the Wraw (Workplace resilience and wellbeing) psychometric.
Status. The definition for this is our need to have an “importance to others” or have a “status within social groupings”. For many of us, our relationship with others may have changed. As a key worker, you may be expected to keep going to work, your role has always been important, but now you feel the world’s eyes are on you. Or, suddenly we are needed to care for elderly relatives or neighbours, our relationship with them changes, or new relationships are developed. Maybe you are now working from home and the lack of contact makes you feel less important, or possibly more important if you are remotely managing a team. As simple as it may sound, what we are wearing can make a difference too. Say you go to work in a suit and with it you take on a certain persona, does sitting at home in your PJs bring the same persona? (This could be a whole other post!). Our response works two ways, we may have a threat response to that perceived lower importance, or actually, some may have a reward response. You might feel you are doing good helping someone out (signing up to NHS volunteering for example), and that triggers our brains to release dopamine, which helps us feel good.
Certainty. This one almost doesn’t need any words! I have heard “its just the not knowing that I can’t cope with” many times. David Rock describes it as “concerns about our ability to predict the future”. This again, drives the “survival” response, where we go to black and white thinking, and our brain treats it as a physical threat, so we get the racing heart, a fear of everything. A way to overcome it, is just knowing when we might get more information on the “threat”. In this situation though, we don’t even have that. We need to find a way to provide some sort of certainty for ourselves. That will look different for each person, but it could be as simple as getting an update from news or the social media you trust, and not looking again until a set point in the day, and holding onto the certainty you took at that time.
Autonomy and Control. This runs through all of the models I work with, you probably have seen some “circles of control” images on social media, outlining the things we can control and what we can’t. The more control we have, the better we feel – but its deeper than that, because its our “sense” of control. We can have an internal or an external locus of control (Rotter) – you can even take tests on line to see where yours lies. It is very easy right now to feel that there’s nothing we can do about this, and it’s beyond our control, but we absolutely can control our responses and our actions. I agree, that it is hard to think like that when in “survival” model. For example, most people “get” that the virus can be transferred via people, but not everyone recognises that it can survive on surfaces for days.
To play that out: you sit next to someone on the bus; they have just been with someone who has the virus and its on their coat; It transfers to your coat. Neither of you realise. You go to the supermarket and brush past some vegetables, it’s now on the vegetables. A kind hearted soul does the grocery shopping for their elderly neighbour and before you know it, the virus is on their food, in their body and they’re dead.
Forgive me for ending that abruptly, but it’s how it works.
The control we have here, is to choose to stay home, to choose to distance ourselves when we go shopping. To wash our hands, and our surfaces. We DO have control over the spread. This is the bit that I think is frustrating me the most, because people still aren’t adhering to this simple, life saving advice.
Relatedness – this is described by Rock as “a sense of safety with others”. Following on from the last section, we can’t trust anyone right now. We don’t know “where they’ve been” or “who they’ve been with”. I feel there is also a huge lack of trust in the information we are receiving. We are dealing with the situation differently to other countries and so maybe people feel we aren’t going to have it as bad. Who do we believe? Building trusted relationships is a key component of our resilience. It is definitely an area I totally overlooked during my times of trouble. I really didn’t trust anyone, which meant I didn’t open up, carrying that heavy emotion and worry around with me. I notice how much lighter things feel now when I share how I’m feeling.
Fairness is described as “fair exchanges between people”. We have seen reports of people fighting over toilet roll, panic buying more food than they could possibly eat. Where is the fairness in that? The same part of the brain is triggered into survival mode and so we go into protection mode,. We start doing things we wouldn’t normally do because we go to black and white thinking and before we know it, we also have a 9 pack of toilet roll in our trolley that we don’t really need.! By being fair to others, we can actually generate a reward response and release some better chemical into our brain, that will make us feel good (even if only for a short while, but it’s worth it).
Let’s move into some of our emotional needs. I’m not going to talk about all of them, but think these key areas are of interest: Security, Privacy, Meaning and Purpose.
Security is a big deal right now. The Human Givens definition is to have a “safe territory and an environment in which we can fully develop”. This can translate into our physical environment but also our perception of how secure we are. Right now, we don’t know where IS safe, we could pick the virus up anywhere, from anyone, its invisibility really does mean that nowhere is safe. After that, we look to physical security, of income, housing, basic shelter needs for ourselves and our families. Financial concerns will be a strong worry for many. In an instant, jobs have been lost, lack of income places risk on mortgages and therefore shelter. It is very easy to project worries into the future, a time that has not actually happened yet. Taking each day by itself and being grateful for what you have right now can support a more balanced experience.
Privacy. We all have a need to time alone to reflect and consolidate. Individually this will be different amounts of time, however we all need “some”. Maybe you have suddenly found yourself with a houseful of people because children are off school, or students are back from university and you’re not getting your own space. It could be that you normally commute and that time alone in the car or on the tube provided you with your privacy. Now, forced to work from home, that space has gone. You may be feeling frustrated, but not realised what has changed to generate these feelings. I have spoken to a few people who have recognised this, and built time into their days to allow for this.
Meaning and Purpose. One thing I have been finding uncomfortable is keeping focussed on anything related to the future. With so many events cancelled, it feels like nothing is happening and it makes me feel like curling under the duvet until “it’s all over”. I think it’s because we simply don’t know whats going on right now and its hard to work towards something when you don’t know what the outcome even might look like. It’s like getting into the car and driving round and round in circles. Even if we thought we knew the destination, it changes, or we get new information about how to get there. I decided that my “destination” would be the next news briefing, so I set myself targets and things to do from the end of each briefing, to the time of the next. I can than factor any new information into my plans for the next 24 hours.
Finally, from the Wraw tool. Most areas have already been covered, but a couple might bring up some ideas on how to cope
In the Energy pillar, we talk about boundaries. This covers the separation between work and home, as well as taking breaks during the day. If you are a key worker, the chances are you are so busy boundaries are getting compromised, your passion to serve others your priority. Working from home means these boundaries can easily get blurred and restrictions on leaving the house make it harder to take a break. In either situation you are likely feeling exhausted. Setting some really small boundaries will support your energy here.
Positive Framing. One of the tools in our resilient “toolbox” is to look at things positively, so we can see things in a proportionate way. With so many unknowns, it is very hard to do this, and we feel uncomfortable with that. Seeking out positive news stories can really help revive this skill, for example, hearing that the special hospital in China has now closed due to there not being enough new cases and that the daily death toll in Italy has finally slowed. Still really tough times, but the positive elements do support our ability to see a glimmer of hope on the other side of all this.
I’ve been exploring all of this as I made sense of my own feelings and emotions, so I will share a little of these here. You may completely resonate, with them or you may be having a completely different experience. For example, I’m pretty sure it will be significantly different for someone on the frontline of all of this…
Here’s my experience:
I’ve been swinging like a pendulum. My mind is confused. My stomach is lurching. I feel trapped in the here and now. I feel helpless, despite making various offers of help and sticking to advice about social distancing and now, staying home.
I honestly don’t actually have fear right now, it is frustration. Here in the UK, we can see how other countries are suffering, what measures they have had to take to contain the virus, yet it feels like, as a country, we are wandering along blindly, like lemmings, head on, into the disaster. My brain just cannot compute when people talk about future events and sign off mails with “enjoy the sun”.
I feel rage at the lack of sensitivity. It is not their fault, of course people are trying to remain positive, yet it sends the message that “its OK to carry on as normal”, when it really is NOT. Of course I want to enjoy the sun, but that could be at the expense of someone else’s life, so I will forgo that sun today.
I’ve been trying to write for a few days now, and each time I come back to it, I change the start, based on the new reality of this surreal situation. Right now, we are not even close to how bad it potentially will be. Watching the news or scrolling social media, with its stern tone, language, gestures, I start wondering if the world will end tomorrow and yet I look outside and people seem oblivious.
I really believe we are heading for a disaster, and it seems that because we can’t “see” it, it’s easy for people to believe it won’t happen. I’m staying in, adhering to advice. Scenes of empty supermarket shelves just don’t feel helpful. I honestly think we need to see full intensive care units or doctors in despair. It may sound morbid but I have a sense that is the only way people might believe what is really happening.
People say “don’t panic”, it’s more helpful to turn this into “please prepare”. We need to convert “worry” into “contingency planning”. We need to know how bad things could get to give urgency to the need to make plans. Telling people not to panic is OK, but what do they do instead because “carrying on” is not a way forward either. We MUST do things differently.
The virus is carried on clothes and hair (not just coughs and sneezes) and THIS is why it is SO important we do not come into contact with people, and spread the virus accidentally. It survives on surfaces too. Staying home reduces the number of people and surfaces we come into contact with, so in turn reduces the risk of the spread.
It WILL hurt IF/WHEN we go into full lockdown, but I honestly believe the earlier we do it, the lower that pain will be. It really is what we NEED to do not only to save lives but to protect the physical and mental health of those who are on the frontline. The longer we leave it, the harder it will be for them to manage this crisis on limited resources.
Now you have some insight into why you feel the way you do, instead of me listing suggestions to help you get through, I will leave you with a few questions, to help you figure out a way forward that will work for you, as an individual:
– If I don’t feel OK, who could help me?
Workplace resilience and wellbeing
– If I do feel OK, who in my network might not? Who needs my help?
– What do I want to be saying about all of this, in 3 months time?
The references I made in this article can be accessed here:
Wraw – Contact Sheela at bluegreen Coaching direct, to get an individual report
NOTE: This article was written in March 2020.
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
I remember it, clear as day, exactly where I was sitting when the words “I don’t think I want to do this any more” tumbled out of my mouth.
I was left as speechless as my manager.
Time froze as the words hung in the air. As the moments (which felt like hours!) passed, I realised, then confirmed to him “I said that out loud didn’t I?”
“Well, I’m wondering if that means your resigning?” he asked in return.
It’s a wonder any words came out because I was 100% convinced my heart was stuck in my throat, constricting my airway! I breathed deeply inwards, and with the biggest sigh of an out breath, spoke the words “Yes, I am”.
On the encouragement to “take 24 hours” I left the meeting.
Walking out of the building, it felt like the body almost split into two. A hot air balloon lifting part of my (my heart, I believe) way up to the sky singing “this is the most amazing awesome thing you have ever done, we can change the world”. My head, on the other hand, was dragging me down to the ground shouting…
“What have you done? WHAT. HAVE. YOU. DONE?”
Mind the gap – a message maybe!
There is was though. Job done. Literally!
The train ride home was a surreal mix of floating (excitement!) and flooding (emotions!) and the gap in between.
Firstly, a phone call to a coach I had met facilitating a career change workshop six months earlier (so, no, quitting wasn’t completely out of the blue, just that it wasn’t PLANNED, nor was THAT conversation!).
“I’ve just quit my job, can you help me work out what I REALLY do want to do?” I asked with a mix of desperation and excitement.
We organise to talk and when we do, I am HUGELY energised with possibility. I gulp down the fees, thinking, its now, never, or…shelf stacking, and sign up!
That was just the start. The battles I faced were financial, emotional, physical, professional. That’s a whole other story, for another day, another post, another analysis!
I’m writing now about the start of the journey, for a couple of reasons. One, I was chatting with some people this week at an event, and the topic of “being bound by the fear of losing a job when you have no reason to believe that might happen“ came up.
Having chosen to leave a job, without another to go to, and not just the once, I piped up to share the experience! It was met with surprise and admiration by some, with high fives from another! I always challenge people to question themselves and so was encouraged to write about it.
It wasn’t just that though, I’ve been listening to lots of audio books recently, and something really landed with me from Rich Litvin. He talked about finding out what peoples dreams are, and helping them realise them. He talks not only of having a coach, moreover, having three! Not because he needs them, but because he wants them, to continue to grow end expand. He is a demonstration that he has done that, so is able to inspire his clients.
These days, the work I do, enables people to realise their what they are dreaming of. The realisation that came to ME, was that I literally have done that. My dream was to escape the 9 to 5, choose where and how I live life, and do things a bit differently. I spent time working out what that was, with my coach. I learnt that I wanted to help other people live a life THEY enjoyed. In particular I looked to support people to not suffer some of the things we humans put ourselves through, put up with, blame ourselves for or even think we should or ought to do (again, another set of stories!).
I wanted to live by the sea.
I wanted to do work that meant I could do it anywhere.
I wanted to serve people and help them fast track to what they wanted.
Through being coached, I found the transformational power of it, and knew that was how I could serve others.
Following all the training, learning and experience I’ve built up, I have clients that have grown their confidence, avoided burning out, landed dream jobs, switch careers, become partners in business, grown portfolio careers, started businesses.
And that is how I got to sit here, in Poole, on the Dorset coast, looking out to the harbour with the sun on my face, writing this.
What would my advice be to someone thinking of quitting a job?
I don’t give advice. There is no advice I can give you, that you don’t already know. I do have conversations with people who are considering it. We work together to find that “advice” deep down inside you, to find the path you want to tread. Honestly, its all in there, it’s just that you might not have thought of it yet or made it explicit.
So OK, there is a little snipped of a suggestion…get a coach! go on your journey with them. There are plenty to choose from. Make sure you find one that “gets you” by having some introductions meetings with a few, before you choose.
On reflection, I don’t regret quitting, but I think I might have done a bit more planning, and maybe had the coaching a LOT sooner, so I think that would be my start point.
I dared to dream, and made it reality!
What’s your dream?
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
I’ve struggled for a long time, being able to talk openly about how I feel, under the “wellbeing” umbrella. I’m not talking spas, yoga and smoothies, in fact, I get very frustrated when that is all that seems to be listed in the wellbeing section of a publication. I’m talking the meaty mind stuff, as well as body and soul.
The “original” design! by Sheela Hobden
People have long felt uncomfortable talking, or even thinking about their mind, body and soul. Unlike physical, tangible things. It’s been a long time coming, but I’ve created something that’s made it easy for everyone to relate to and talk about, and want to grow the concept.
Imagine whole groups of people, in families or organisations, talking, sharing and getting help early, in the same simple way they do for their cars.
I’ve mapped everything I have learnt and now know (although I am sure there is more!) about wellbeing and resilience (another word I’d rather change…to bounceability!) to the parts of a CAR! Now, I know this will divide my readers, those that love the beauty of the machine, and those that just, need it for A to B.
Please hang on in there as I do believe either party will “get it”!
What is your fuel?
Fuel. Cars are normally restricted to one type of fuel, with which they perform. A petrol car will not function if filled with diesel. We do not make “excuses” for why we are putting diesel into our petrol car. However, we can make up the most delightful stories to tell ourselves when we are munching that extra mince pie, or opening another bottle of wine. The tricky thing for us is that we can still operate on different fuel, but the difference is between operation and performance. What do you know about the fuel that best serves you?
💡 TRY THIS:
Take a week to record what you are eating, and how you feel during the various activities you undertake – What patterns can you see? What shifts do you want to make?
Where are you headed?
Map. Sat Nav has made it so easy for us to get to places without having to do any thinking. We plug in where we want to go and “job done”. If only that were the same in life, we didn’t have to navigate past roadblocks, traffic or coming back from wrong turns. The useful thing about Sat Nav is it re-routes us so we still get to our “goal”. We could take a leaf out of that book, bounce back faster when we don’t get what we want straight away, or the path is not so obvious. We all need a sense of purpose, a direction to head in. We simply wouldn’t get in the car and drive aimlessly round and round! What do you know about the direction or path you are on right now?
💡 TRY THIS:
Imagine yourself 20 years from now (get really detailed about how you think, feel, act, where you are etc). Write a letter to your best friend, detailing all that you have done in the last 20 years?
Review it and consider, what do I need to do to move towards these things?
Who’s in your “vehicle”?
Passengers. There is generally a limit to the number of passengers in any given car. We choose who we fill those seats with. We never exceed that capacity, we know it is not safe to do so. This references a couple of points. Who is in your life right now? Do you want them as passengers? Are they fountains (give energy) or drains (hoover up your mood)!
💡 TRY THIS:
Relationship audit – write a list of all the people in your life. Assign each a role e.g. supporter, mood hoover, consultant, energy-giver (add some of your own types). Now evaluate that list – who do you need more or, and which list needs to reduce?
How is your inner voice?
Engine. With a car, you turn on the engine and the car cracks on, no questions asked. The engine is not seen to the outside world. Let’s map that to us humans, and consider our engine to be our self-belief and motivation. When we try to access that, sometimes, we are faced with “you can’t do that” or “you’re not good enough” or even “I can’t be bothered”. Welcome to the world of “inner chatter”. All transient thoughts. Not real. Not true. Yet they have the power to hinder us, and stop our engine. So, how can you be more “car-like” and reduce this inner chatter? It takes time and practice, and everyone is different, but there will be a way you can do this.
💡TRY THIS:
The more you know about who you are, the more belief you can have in yourself. Take the Character Strengths survey to highlight the top strengths you value. Click here, register for free and complete the questionnaire (takes about 20 minutes). https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/
I’ve talked about 4 elements here and I’m just touching the surface, there are so many more intricate parts to the car (just like the human body), and they all need to operate together to perform. Sometimes the smallest part can have the biggest impact, so it may not be obvious things that mean our sense of wellbeing is not complete. Only a full, collaborative review with a specialist will reveal the source. You heard it here first! I’m using this metaphor in many different products and developing more, to help raise awareness in a simple way.
Please do get in touch if you would like to see and hear the extended detail, or why not book yourself in for an MOT4U now?
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
I spent yesterday with my dad. We were loading the wheelbarrow with logs and stacking near the house, ready for the imminent cold snap.
This time two months ago, we weren’t even sure if we’d see his smile or hear his crazy sense of humour ever again. He’d spent 10 days in an induced coma and each time they tried to extubate him, he couldn’t breathe on his own.
To be outside with him, discussing the merits of various log shapes may seem simple, but it truly was a gift. The edgy, rational “do some work” part of my brain was shouting. But, focussing my attention on my dad and natural surroundings, it quietened.
Time with people really is something you can’t buy and you certainly can’t make up for if you miss. Our need for social connection is viewed by our brain, as important as our need for basic survival items, like food and water (Rock, 2018) so it’s not surprising that we feel so low when we feel like we are not getting enough.
This festive season, before you rush out buying gifts for those you love, what else could you do to show that love?
We all have a need to give and receive attention – each person will of course vary on quantity, but the basic need is there. It we are not getting the right balance, it can lead to a feeling that something is missing.
I wonder what time you could give?
Who would you give it to?
What would they appreciate?
And…what would really feel like a fuel injection to them?
Maybe you give enough already. In this case, actually, the gift of presence needs to be to yourself. Give yourself some time. We all have an innate emotional need for privacy. To explain, that is; spending time alone to consolidate and reflect.
If you have spent the year giving to others, whether that be through your work or personal endeavours, you may be feeling like you need to escape. This is perfectly natural. Find yourself some space – even if it is in short bursts, it will still be beneficial to your wellbeing. It is particularly important over the festive period, when houses are full of people, and relationships are prone to strain. Protect yourself and your family by taking a little time for self-care.
What are the things you like to do on your own?
When did you last do those?
How much time could you carve out for yourself?
Take a look at the other emotional needs we have (as defined by the Human Givens Institute) and read more on the importance of social interaction (Rock 2008).
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
My Dads been sick, like, intensive care on a ventilator for weeks kind of sick. Pneumonia followed by Septecemia.
I honestly thought we’d lose him.
It felt like someone pressed stop on my world.
He’s not out of the woods yet, but I’m feeling a bit more human and my brain is firing up better! I’m writing here, and now, because family trumps work, hands down.
I’m truly thankful to my boss (also me) who quickly recognised I needed time out, to relieve myself of pressures that could wait.
I focused on ME.
Hospital visits were only at certain times, so couldn’t be there the whole time anyway. My “energy” is generally good; I eat well, get rest, prioritise sleep and keep up with exercise. This meant I was in the best shape to “be there” for him. As time froze though, it became really obvious that there was a risk to those strengths.
Not one to lose my appetite but that was one period in my life that it really happened. I had to work hard to keep the good stuff coming in. On feeling myself questioning “whats the point?” I recognised I needed to do something. It took a real stretch of my mental strength to remind myself that I’m no use to anyone if I am malnourished, tired or exhausted.
The only thing I could liken it to, is when we get nauseous or faint because of a shock. All the blood rushes to the source of injury (be that a physical one, or to the brain as it rushes to process information received). It leaves the stomach, and many other parts of the body, to deal with the “incident”. It forgets the rest of the body needs it, and ultimately, the rest of it.
Replay this as if you are looking after someone else or maybe its your day job, caring for other people. If all your “blood” keeps rushing to them, and you are not paying attention to that, there is a risk that soon, you won’t be able to function.
“Putting me first” is not selfish, its a necessity. It doesn’t have to be big things. Keep it simple;
prioritise sleep (even if you are struggling, focus on the wind down before bed)
eat well (avoid stimulants to keep you going e.g. sugar, caffeine, alcohol)
keep moving (even if its short walks around the block)
take breaks and find ways to “leave work at work”
I wrote a more detailed post about Energy, so do take a read of that.
Some words of thanks…
So many people either offered help or normalised my need to step back. Make sure to reach out to those around you. Staying connected, however uncomfortable it may feel sharing your feelings really will provide a cathartic outlet.
The incredible staff at the Queen Elizabeth, Kings Lynn need a shout out. Every single person there make that hospital run like clockwork. Particularly of course, the expert Intensive Care Unit teams and Tilney ward. I owe Dads life to all of you.
A note on stress…
We’re beginning to think part of the cause was that Dad was under too much pressure. He’s retired, but enjoys so many things, he’d ended up taking on too much. It’s a stark reminder that no matter how much we love what we do, it’s still possible to overdo it.
Pressure comes in different forms (and can be real as well as perceived) to what we traditionally see as “work”, and we can’t just put it aside to “go to work”. I’m certainly not the only person facing this, I am sure many people have family issues going on, or other things taking your focus.
Put your own oxygen mask on, before tending to others. Self-care is not selfish, it’s survival.
Sheela Hobden
Give yourself permission to put your basic needs first, so you are in the best place to help others that need you.
EDIT: January 2021 Reporting Dad as fit and healthy, fully recovered, even cycling a few miles a day.
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
I have a really strong memory of my association with failure. I had read about coasteering, and it sounded fun. I don’t really do detail, so didn’t see the finer points like, how high you actually are when you jump into the sea off a cliff face…
“He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life”
Muhammad Ali
Having convinced a relatively new friend to take advantage of a cheap trip to Cornwall and “sold” her the merits of coasteering (as I saw them), we found ourselves by the coast, in wetsuits, having our briefing on the activity.
We were promptly turned to face the water for our first jump. The first punch in the stomach was how far up we were. Surely we were going to work up to the “big” ones, I remember musing quietly. I was pretty easy going about it though, and was excited to “jump”.
My friend chose to go first, and on approaching the edge became jittery and jelly legged. As the on-looker I chuckled, wondering what was so difficult. The way she was dancing about made it look like she needed the loo! After much encouragement, she finally jumps. She’s in the sea down below, beaming. Its my turn next.
Filled with energy, not a glimmer of fear I step towards the edge. Only, when I take the final step to the edge and look down, I felt the blood physically drain from every part. Brain says “no way”. Legs feel like they’ve detached themselves. The question is, will they even bend so I can jump and propel over the edge!
I don’t even have the “you’ll feel amazing after” – I literally froze but wanted to run away. My friend is bobbing around in the water below, and sees what I saw in her, moments earlier. “Come on” she shouts. I can barely hear. She repeats. I remain.
THEN, she shouts “come on Sheela, you never fail at anything”.
She’d barely finished her sentence, and I was off. I plunge into the water, my eyes squeezed so tightly shut so I didn’t lose my contact lenses! I’m so deep now, I start to wonder if I’ll make it back up (and various other expletives).
I do rise. I am alive. I give them the “OK” sign and the rush of awesomeness rushes through me. I did it!
My reputation for pushing through things untarnished, but oh man that was at the edge of the limits.
We did a few more jumps that day, and the thrill of the jump didn’t always erase the fear of anticipation, which I found really curious. Would I do it again? The jury is out but I learnt from it.
I found that no, I don’t fail at things. They might turn out a bit different to what I expected, but I find a way to get myself through, and see the incredible on the other side. I think it comes down to your definition of failure and whether its final or dynamic.
So, to business, and the business of life! Failing IS an option, some would say its an imperative. If we don’t consider it, then it will slap us in the face when we’re least expecting it. Plan for it, and you’ve got the upper hand.
“I have not failed, I have just found 1000 ways that did not work”
Thomas. A. Edison
What are you going to do if your business (or maybe something in “life”) fails?
This might seem like a funny question to lead in with, but looking at contingency plans at the start has multiple benefits. You plan for your car to fail you, by carrying a spare wheel, so what stops you applying that logic to other things? Here’s some angles to take a view from:
It might actually help you think creatively about how to do things and come up with better ideas earlier. Thinking about failing BEFORE you fail means you’ve researched the traps you might fall into along the way. That increased awareness might actually help you not fall into them.
The dictionary definition is “the fact of someone or something not succeeding” What does failure actually mean to you though? If you invest money in something and it doesn’t turn out “as expected” is that different to failing?
When you set out on your journey, did you look at all the options, identify “this” as an option and decide that would be a fail? Now that you’re here, what have you learnt from the process?
Let use an example here. Say you invested £2k in your business or on a holiday and the outcomes weren’t what you’d planned. What would you do differently? Or better put, what did you learn that you can take forwards and apply in future? Then, take those learning points and ask, would you have achieved such rich learning had you spent it on a training course?
The question: is it a fail or an investment in your future?
“A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new”.
Albert Einstein
Another anecdote. I’m 18, working my summer to get ready to head off to University in the autumn. I’d booked the day off my waitressing job to go and get my exam results. On entering the gym hall, scouring the walls full of pages of results proved futile, so I head for my “envelope”.
The paper did not contain the letters I had hoped for. Its funny how significant that moment was, a few letters on a piece of paper, yet now I struggle to remember what they were! The memory is that I didn’t get the distinctions (A’s) I was predicted.
I remember that with clarity. Standing in the hall, time froze, like the world had ended. I had PASSED the exams, I just hadn’t done as well I was hoping/predicted to achieve. The repercussions of this (in my watery eyes at the time) were incomprehensible.
What I did know (and was circling in my mind), were that the grades would have been good enough to attend the University I really DID want to go to (but was steered away from by school, for fear it was not prestigious enough). I did not apply there (on this very advice), so this was not an option now (internal anger increasing).
I can’t really remember much after that moment, except getting offered a slightly different course (which didn’t appeal), a friend offering to take me for a trip to her old university where they had clearing places and on worrying about “missing the boat” a conversation with my mum which went something like “if you take a year out, I will make it so painful for you, you will be running off to university next year”.
…I went with my friend and found a flexible course option which suited my interests. I had a wonderful time, learnt lots, met great people of course now do something totally different to that marketing degree! I am still alive, and the world did not end that day.
Those “different” results, which could have been construed as failure, forced me to make different choices, that were my own, thus exposing me to a variety of people, situations and experiences, that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I am truly thankful for that.
I made it a success, and having to take that decision at that age, taught me early on that making my own choices when faced with “failure”, or just making my own choices full stop, means I am in control, so I decide what success and failure actually are.
In Conclusion…
What is the middle ground between failure and success? Where does one stop and the other begin? The early education “systems” we operated in tell us we can pass, merit, or maybe the elusive distinction and yet a fail is a fail, the end. In your business, do you have levels of success or failure?
Do you separate out where you want to be, for example what is your line in the sand on what failing or succeeding actually means? What does “break-even” look like (is that your equivalent of a pass?), so then, what would a merit or distinction look like? Would you be measuring financially, audience, clients or something else?
“Thought Provocateur” is the description I have of myself, because I help people see things from a different perspective. I hope I have done that here, and look forward to your comments and insights. Maybe you have a further perspective to offer? I’d love to hear it – lets talk soon!
Want to take up the challenge of coasteering? Check out the many places you can do it in the UK here.
Sheela Hobden is a Coach at bluegreen Coaching. Following her own mental health battles, she now coaches individuals, runs training sessions and speaks at conferences. She has a real passion for helping medics and healthcare professionals take as much care of themselves as they do their patients in whatever life or career conundrums they face! She is also a Mentor Coach and Coach Supervisor. She has a PGCERT in Business and Personal Coaching, holds PCC member status with the ICF and is CIPD qualified. She challenges herself with ultra distance running and Ironman. Find her at www.bluegreencoaching.com or swimming in the sea, in Poole, Dorset
Get more ideas and tips by joining her newsletter tribe – sign up below!
